NYC Midnight – Short Story Challenge – Round One March 17, 2016

Her Story

Don’t judge me. I promise that there is nothing wrong with me. I don’t have any dodgy ex-boyfriends, or too many cats. I don’t snore, and I am not actually that fussy when it comes to men… it’s just that for whatever reason I am unable to meet men in normal acceptable social situations. I met my last long-term boyfriend whilst I was walking my neighbour’s dog. I’ll be honest; I’m not that great with animals, especially other peoples, and on this particular day, I was not dressed to meet a man, I wouldn’t even say I was dressed. Well, I had clothes on but… Oh let me start at the beginning.

Life… Oh Life… October 20, 2014

I don’t want to see a ghost
It’s a sight that I fear most
I’d rather have a piece of toast
And watch the evening news

I have realised something.

Life is full of situations.  Some situations you want to be in.  Some situations you really don’t want to be in.

Some situations make you sit up straight and wonder what the f*** you have ever done in life to deserve the situation you are in right now.

Some people may think that it our decisions that put us into these situations, but I am not sure.

I am somebody that cannot make decisions.  In order to avoid situations I don’t want to be in, I make other people make my decisions for me, so I can blame them when it all goes wrong.

But sometimes, life puts you in a situation that tests you, makes you see who your real friends are, what really matters in life, and it chooses you for a reason.  That reason may not be clear at the time, and it may never be truly clear to you, but eventually, the reasons for these situations make you, or your family, or your friends, stronger than you (or they) have ever been.

I love my current situation.  I love my family, my friends, my soulmate, my house and my dog.

But there is always another situation…just round the corner.

Getting Married in McDonalds… July 16, 2014

 

 

 

A while ago I had a dream that myself and and a friend were in McDonalds.  Nothing new there you may say.

Quite often I dream of McFlurries and cheeseburgers without gherkins and relish.

But that is by the by… (whatever that means).

Back to my dream.  I dreamt that my friend and I were discussing the fact that my other half doesn’t want to marry me (sob).

She suggested that I surprise him.  I should set up the whole day, arrange everything, and Mr Me would just turn up and marry me.  Apparently.

I couldn’t decide where to set my wedding.  Until I looked around.  And decided that we should do it in McDonalds.  PERFECT.

The staff were fantastic (in my dream) and the very next day, I managed to persuade Mr Me to meet me at McDonalds.  On the way there, I lost my nerve and told him what was happening.

I was shocked to discover that he was keen.  In fact his exact words were; “Lets get this over with then.” (in my dream).

So we went to McDonalds, and I got really upset because I realised that I wasn’t going to get a lovely wedding breakfast.  I was going to get a McChicken Sandwich.

So I called the wedding off.

I woke up with mixed emotions.  Ecstatic that Mr Me had finally agreed to marry me.  Annoyed at myself that I had cancelled my own wedding.

Even if it was only in my dream.

Anyway, I found this article today…

McDonalds Wedding.

Check it out.  I’m not the only one that thought it was a good idea.  (in my dream).

 

 

 

Something you should know.. November 24, 2013

I have a Hetty Hoover.  When I hoover my house, I pull Hetty along behind me and talk to her.  I say things like;

“Hetty, you can get in that corner, I know you can.”

or;

“Come on Hetty, keep up.”

It is not only Hetty I talk to.  I also talk to Mike the Microwave, Stevie the TV, Freddy the Fridge and Walter the Washer.  Oh, and Tumbly (the tumble drier).

Is that weird?

 

Daylight Savings… Daylight Robbery.. October 29, 2013

Am I the only person in this country who can gain an extra hour in the day..

Yet still be late for absolutely everything??

It’s like I suffer from some kind of backward jet lag.

 

Like this morning, I tried and tried to get out of bed at my normal time of 6:30.. which last week would have been 7:30 today (right?) so I should have been bounding out of bed all fresh faced and ready for the world, when the reality was, I crawled out of bed at 7:30.. which last week would have been 8:30 today (right?) feeling like I needed an extra hours sleep.

And I like this clock change.

Most of my conversations before the event went like this:

(I did have other conversations, about other things, this did not dominate my life, I just meant the conversations about the clock change)

“Don’t forget the clocks change on Sunday..”

“Of course! Do they go back or forward?”

“Back”

“Is that the good one?  That’s the good one right?”

I mean, how could you forget the clocks were changing?  It’s not like every other post on Facebook would remind you.. or every tweet.. or every newspaper.. or every news channel.. or every blimp that was hired and subtly flown outside the office window..

(Ok the last one didn’t happen but it would have been cool).

Anyway.  It is done now.  Until March.

Where I get to suffer again at the hands of time.

Caught on Camera.. October 15, 2013

I don’t know if I am the only one that does this.. 

And if I am, I may regret sharing this with you all..

But.  Here Goes. 

I was in the shower this morning (bear with me) and whilst I was in there I realised I was washing my hair like I would if I were in a shampoo advert.  

Then it got me to thinking what else I do in the same manner. 

And this is what I came up with.

– I often walk as if I am part of a music video when listening to music, miming to the music, looking down the camera.

– I hoover the house as if I am part of a Queen video … (All together now.. I want to break free..)

– I drive my car as if I am in a motor show, showing you all the pros and cons of my car.

– I sit in the passenger seat as if I am part of a death race.

– I watch tv as if I am going to be part of Surprise Surprise any moment.  Even when I am in my onesie I expect Cilla Black to walk in the door.

– I cook as if I am part of some “how to cook from jars in not a lot of time” show.  

– I do my shopping as if I were part of a Supermarket Sweep.  

Maybe it is because I watched The Truman Show a few years ago, and I imagine that my life is like his, Big Brother style.  Although it isn’t.  Or at least I hope it isn’t.  

Although I would put on a blooming good show.  

An award?? Little ole me?? August 29, 2013

 

What is this?  I hear you cry!

I’ve only gone and got a Versatile Blogger award..

Such a lovely, funny, crazy, slightly insane blogger nominated me.  Do PLEASE check out her funny as f*** blog:

ZooBoo

She makes me laugh out loud, several times a day.  I especially love her rainbow dusting ideas 🙂

Rules Rules Rules..

With these Internet awards, come rules!
Here we go:
1. Put the award on your blog and SMILE!
2. Do tell your readers that you’ve received the award!
3. Thank the kind person who nominated you and post a link to their blog.
4. Now, you go ahead and nominate 15 other lovely bloggers who you think are deserving of the award.
5. Whoosh a comment over to the 15 people you nominated, to let them know, of course! (You can do this by commenting on one of their posts.)
6. And finally, list 7 fascinating facts about yourself.

(AND KEEP SMILING!)

And now, I present to you, my fabulous nominees:

fromagehomage

mookandlulusblog 

bensbitterblog

thoughtsappear

lookingglasslanguage 

laugraeva

wheresmyrubyslippers

thegayesthingyouveeverseen

aroadtravelledtwice

acollectionofmusings

theseatonist 

evangelinevale 

clairefelicityyoung 

boughbreaks 

hell4heather

Please, go ahead and start click-click-clicking onto their blogs!

GO-GO-GO!

And here are the 7 facts about me!

1.  I like saying to my other half things like: “How old are you? 4?” And then finding myself HILARIOUS.

2.  I am weird.  (See above).

3.  I once got my head trapped in my electric car window whilst I had my finger on the button to do it up.  My brain was all like; “Why is my head getting trapped?”  Whilst my wicked finger was like; “Mwahahaha..”

4.  I am stupid.  (See above).

5.  I find weird things funny.  Like saying the word “Vaseliiiiiine” In a very high pitched voice, stretching the i.  Try it. I bet you liked it.

6.  I talk to my dog.  I know other people do it too, but here I am, brave enough to admit it.  I imagine he calls me SUPER MUM.

7.  I cannot read or play music, I cannot read or speak any foreign language, but I can spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

I would just like to say, yet again, a HUGE Thank you to the wonderful ZOOBOO who nominated me.  Without you, I wouldn’t have received this award.

 

Girl. 30. Attempting the Phonetic Alphabet August 13, 2013

 

Some things you need to know about me..

 

I Love My Family.

 

I work in a busy office, and I deal with Joe Public every single day.  

 

I also have a long surname and day by day I invent new ways of trying to spell it to different people over the phone.

 

I am good at the phonetic alphabet.  Or so I think until I actually try and use it.  

 

“Eltringham, so how are you spelling that?”

 

“That’s E for Elephant, L for Lemons, T for Thomas, R for Rainbows, I for Insurance…”  and so on…

 

I often grab for words that usually end up being a bit ruder out loud then expected.  

 

“That’s N for Nuts…”

 

But that is nothing.  Nothing compared to my little sister and her ways of spelling our annoyingly long surname.  This is what happened:

 

“Eltringham, so how are you spelling that?”

 

“Thats E, L, T, then Ring as in Finger Ring….”

 

I love my family.

Girl. 30. Joined the gym. Am I skinny yet? July 11, 2013

I joined the gym this week. Yup. Big old me.

Going to the gym is an interesting experience. Especially for someone whose idea of exercise is doing the hoovering. Or walking the dog.

Take, for example, my induction. My introduction to the huge torture chamber with all of its machines and metal contraptions mocking me, laughing at me.
“Come over here, give me a go..” They call. So I do. I follow all the instructions written on their sides and still end up with my left leg underneath my right armpit whilst trying to pull my fingernails from my hair.

Anyway I am skipping ahead (well, crawling actually seeing as I can barely lift my legs high enough to take a step). My induction involved me, in a Monster munch t-shirt (I was trying to be ironic) some baggy track suit bottoms and a pair of old running trainers I found, still in their box, in the shed at the bottom of my garden. I’m still not entirely sure that they are mine.

So there I was, in all my fine attire, ready and raring to go. Already covered in a fine sheen of sweat from walking over to the gym from work. And the first thing the gym bunny makes me do? Get on the scales. Ouch. As if I weren’t already feeling a little awkward. Moving quickly on, he puts me through my paces in the gym, and actually I was feeling quite positive, until he put me on the treadmill at the end. And decided to talk to me for the full 17 minutes I was on it. Conversation went something like this;

HIM: So, how often are you thinking of coming here?

ME: red faced already I was thinking at least twice but er, puffpuff I will be trying to come three times a week…

HIM: That sounds good, just don’t go thinking that because you have been here you can have that plate of chips or mars bar..

ME: Oh I know.. going redder

HIM: What did you eat for breakfast?

ME: Um. Cereal bar?

HIM: hmmm… writes something I can’t see due to the sweat pouring into my eyes I eat porridge. Even in this weather. puffs his chest out a little. And lunch?

ME: um. puff puff pitta puff yoghurt puff

And so it continued. Him making me feel guilty about my eating habits whilst forcing me to climb higher and higher up this blasted treadmill. Until…

HIM: Let me just check your heart rate.. WOAH lets slow you down a bit now.

Hmmm…

Another thing I find a bit weird about the gym is the sweat. It hangs in the air like an unseen curtain of moisture. Making you breathe it in. It is all over the machines, the floor, the toilet door.. Ugh.

One last thing. Why do women feel it is ok to swing around the ladies changing rooms stark naked? And engage you in conversation? Talk at you about random things like the spinning class, will I be tempted to join? Not if I end up looking like you love, all brown wrinkled skin with boobies that are sulking and looking at the floor. Stop showing me your boobies!

That is all.

Girl. 30. Sending mixed messages. June 30, 2013

I love my family.  With all of my heart.  They can make me laugh and cry like no other person can.

I have two sisters, one big, one little. Today, I need to tell you about the big one, and my mum.

My big sister is amazing.  She has two degrees, is married with two beautiful children but, she is a little out of touch with the internet, social media etc.  This is not a bad thing.  It’s quite refreshing actually, although I have often had to spend evenings with her trying to explain the concept of a Retweet…

Anyway, she does manage to text us, and often signs off her texts with ‘lol’.  

To us savvy texters we all know that that means Laugh out Loud.

To my big sister this still means Lots of Love.

Which is fine for us all who are close to her as we know what she means.  And we all avoided sending it back to her to avoid confusion.

Or so I thought..

Recently she was in a seminar as part of her work, and the 50+ year old David Brent wannabe (her words) started the seminar by saying this..

“We all know how quickly text language changes, how children change the meaning of words so that their parents don’t know what they are talking about..”

At this point big sister was nodding along knowingly with the fellow parents in the room.  Until…

“Take for example, the use of LOL.  It used to be Lots of Love…”

This is where she stopped mid nod and kept her smile frozen in place while her eyes opened all crazy like.

“But now, of course, we all know it is Laugh out Loud”

This was how she was informed of this. A 50+ year old man was informing her. She was mortified. And has since started signing her texts with the actual words: Lots of Love.

She is ok now though, she is getting over it. Until she told me this story and I told her that even our mum knows how to use LOL correctly.

For example, this is a text from my mum to me:

That’s cool! It will happen in the near future is all I know lol. Will
call them on Friday if no news. Xxx

This worried big sister a little, as she wondered if mum had been texting lol to her as Laugh out Loud and not Lots of Love as she thought.

After reading a few examples, we decided that mum was using it as Lots of Love for big sister, and Laugh out Loud for the rest of the world. (Which actually makes my mum some kind of genius, remembering to do this).

Until we came across this text.

(To put into context, my mum has the whole family over to hers for Christmas on Boxing day and this was sent to my mum once big sister had spent the day with her and was making her way home)

Big Sister:

Thanks ever so much for having us all over, was such a lovely day.
Love you xx x

Mum:

Was a pleasure, can’t wait to do it again next year, lol x

An evil genius maybe, scoring silent chuckles without us even realising.

Hats off to you mum.